Dan, I'm so sorry that your mother died......

When mom died, there were unseen "ripples" that travelled away at a steady but devastating rate.
It was a long time before I "felt" those ripples tear away at my very soul until I thought that I might go mad.
My young body could not grapple what was happening in my heart and...I felt all alone.
How I wish someone...anyone....would've even dared to whisper the existence of the elephant in the room: your mother is dead. I'm very sorry.
Maybe things would've been different if that had happened.....who can know such things?
Even so, it didn't happen and that fact alone.....made me feel just that....alone....because I knew that my mother was dead and surely my dad knew that his wife was dead and certainly my brothers and sister knew that their mother was dead......but NO ONE and I mean NO ONE spoke any words of comfort past the initial days of grieving together as is the custom of civil people.
My friends came the closest to speaking the words but comfort fell short of its mark and the words made me feel lonely and sad.
It's almost like my brother and I, did I mention that I have a twin.....were treated as if we were not capapable of any emotion, as if our young age alone somehow shielded us from the loss of the most important person in our lives.
Maybe those around us were just caught up in their own grief and so blinded by it?
You couldn't prove it by me.
I never saw any emotion, which is to say that I don't remember any and by the time I was old enough to have consisitent memory of that time, everyone had moved on and the "elephant" quickly dissipated into oblivion...a far off pain that became dull before it became ever-so-distant.
All the while I thought that I alone felt ripped off, that I alone felt the pain of loss and that I alone felt the sting of bitterness that stabbed at my heart like a dagger trying to rid me of any love that I had in my heart.
I felt utterely alone in my feelings.
And I was altered.....but, I was not alone in my suffering.
My brother was altered as well, although, it's taken me 40 years to see it and Dan's had 40 years of practicing his deceit, which is exactly what it is.
How could 2 children who carry 50% of the same DNA of the other go through the same tragedy and seemingly have 2 uniquely different reactions to it?
The answer is that we probably felt it the same way but we reacted very differently to it.
Dan would accuse me of over-reacting when I tried to speak of the "elephant in my world", which is to say I had any reaction, he simply wanted it and any reminder of it to go away.
Dan saw what daddy did and brother did and what sister did and......and.....and he modeled that beautifully!
Good job Dan.
"Lori, you just need to get over it because you make everyone feel bad when you bring up the fact that mother died."
Poor Lori.
That's how it felt to be in my family.
How I wish that I would've had someone to share my pain with, someone... like my brother, Dan.
Guess what?
Pain, if not dealt with properly, has a way of sneaking up on you and biting you in your proverbial butt.
The "elephant in my world" cost me dearly.
I was a wounded soul walking through this world in search of meaning and love and justice and love......
Eventually,Love found me....I was healed.
The elephant was put in its place and it no longer drove me and it no longer defined me.
Thank you, merciful Jesus, however, there is still lingering ripples that continue to reek havoc on hearts and lives.
How do I know?
Because, my brother, Dan, still buys into that initial modeling that he learned so many years ago and although the main characters of this tragedy have moved on nicely, Dan is still stuck, which recently has lit up my world like a bomb.
He obviously feels no connection to me, I know this because he makes no effort to see me or my family, he doesn't even acknowledge our shared birthday, the relationship we share is based on my efforts, not his, and while none of these are revelations to me, what is a revelation is the fact that it all started when his mother died.
His mother died.
It always felt like my mother died, not his.
After over 40 years though I have come to realize that Dan's mother died and that must have hurt him alot. If only someone...anyone...would've even dared to whisper any word of comfort in his direction.....maybe things would've been different.

Death of a Morality in WA state.

Here is a timeline of events depicting the death of morality in Washington state:

In 1998, The Defense of Marriage Act was enacted into law. It is a United States Federal Law that defined marriage between one man and one woman.


In July of 2006 the Washington Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the state legislature is permitted under the WA state constitution to limit marriage to opposite-sex couples. While the DOMA was upheld, the court noted that its ruling did not prevent the legislature from challenging the state law to allow same-sex marriage.

In July, 2007 the legislature created limited domestic partnerships (Andersen vs. King Co.) which conferred 11 of the rights of marriage to same sex couples.

In July, 2007-Initiative 957 was proposed by the WA Defense of Marriage Alliance in opposition to Andersen vs. King Co. Lawmakers backing the domestic partnership legislation have been open in stating that their ultimate goal is to expand marriage laws to include same-sex couples and they see the creation and expansion of domestic partnership as steps toward that goal. Civil Marriage Equality bills have been introduced to that end. Initiative 957 would put one part of Andersen vs. King Co. decision into law by making procreation a requirement for all marriages in WA state.
The initiative was struck down due to too few signatures to qualify for the November, 2007 ballot.

In May, 2009- Senate bill 5688- the "everything but marriage" bill amended many state laws and placed domestic partnerships on an equal footing as civil marriage. This bill was sponsored in the Senate by gay activist Rep. Ed Murray from the 43rd Congressional Dist. and in the House by gay activist Rep. Jamie Pedersen also from the 43rd dist. as well as Maureen Walsh from the 14th dist.
This law survived an electoral challenge through Referendum 71 with a 53% to 47% vote.

In April 2011 Gov. Gregoire signed into law treating out-of-state same-sex couples as domestic partnerships.

In February 2012- SB 6239-concerning civil marriage and domestic partnerships- legalized same-sex marriages and reversed the DOMA put in place in 1998. The language also converts most domestic partnerships not dissolved within 2 years into civil marriages. The language also includes the disturbing distinction of male/ female instead of man/woman taking out the humanity of civil marriages and opening the door to "other than human domestic partnerships".

Presently, WE the People have begun the process of over turning such a disgusting law through the petition process which we hope will put a referendum on the ballot in November.
Personally, I have no problem with gay persons and given the rights and priviledges afforded them in this state, I don't understand why this law was introduced. They have all the priviledges that marriage affords-EVERYTHING!!!!!!
To me, this law thumbs its nose at God and says: you don't exist.
God is the ONE who instituted marriage between Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve.
This perversion of God's Word makes me angry enough to offend the gay electorate of this state, which I never wanted to do, but the actions of this legislature and their supporters put me in this position.
I will FIGHT this to the bitter end because I love and serve an awesome God who gave us standards to live by.
This state legislature walks all over these standards in the name of "tolerance" and "compassion" and "political correctedness".

Portrait of Jesus Christ by Akiane, age 8

At the age of 3, Akiane began drawing pictures of heaven which was strange since her family claimed to be atheists.
Akiane continued her drawing and painting which included depictions of Jesus.
She also claimed to have been taken to heaven in dreams.
The faith of this little girl was so real to her family that they began to believe in God and are now serving Him.
Interesting.
Then, another story came along about a little boy named Colton who also claimed to have gone to heaven and came back with amazing stories, including see family members long deceased, hanging out with biblical characters and sitting with Jesus Himself.
Colton had actually died during an emergency surgery but was revived and recovered fully.
He was 4 at the time.
Many people showed Colton popular images of Jesus, to which he dismissed all because as he said the clothes were wrong or the hair color was wrong or his skin was the wrong color.....but when he saw the portrait of Jesus that Akiane had done, he found nothing wrong with it, in fact he said it WAS Jesus.

"Unless you come unto me as little children, you will not inherit the Kingdom of God."

I was recently challenged to speak about what the Lord has done for me recently.
Figuring this would be a great time to focus on the many blessings God has shown me, I decided to write it out.

We found out that we would be moving to another town, leaving behind our home and our friends and family.
This did not thrill me, but I was willing to be open to it, so I asked the Lord to convince me.
Then I asked Him to find us a renter for our home because I had recently started a new job that required that I work 72 hours a week.
Here are the chronological events that followed to the best of my recollection:

1. My friend, Nicole, told me that she got goosebumps when I told her the news. She was convinced that God had something amazing for us.
2. God found us a renter at the place where I was working temporarily who wanted exactly what our property offered. This renter ended up becoming almost like a son to me, in fact, I kept thinking that he was what I always wanted in a son, if I had had one.
3. My heart got on board. Thank you, Jesus.
4. God provided a home for us to rent despite the fact that many were moving to the area. There were no other apps on the home despite the competitive market.
4. God convinced our youngest daughter to come with us so she could finish her education.
5. God provided a family for our oldest daughter to stay with until she went away to college.

Pretty amazing how God provides for our specific needs isn't it?
I mean He really greased the wheels on this one.
Reminds me of how the Lord went before the Israelites in the form of a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night while escaping the Pharoah of Egypt.
Again, the Lord really showed up in a mighty way for them, didn't He?
So, why do I feel so weak and defeated?
I mean I really do trust in God's plan for us, I do.
But today that trust is not enough to stave off the sadness that is creeping into my heart.
I miss my friends.
I miss Lacey.
I miss familiarity.
Does this reaction nullify all that God has done?
I don't believe so.
The Lord is not put off by my weakness for it gives Him a good reason to lavish His abundant Grace upon me.
So, for today and perhaps tomorrow while I languish in my shell of despair I trust that the Lord is with me, holding me, Loving me.
That is enough.

"So much of what is bound up in us is our love of family that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty." poet, Haniel Long

Those words so resonate a vital truth in me, one that has been with me for probably longer than my memory could prove and surely must be divinely inspired. After all, God created the first family, taught us about Love, gave us an almost cruel sense of Eternity, then placed us in families, giving us the groundwork for life and leaving us hungry for more beyond it.
Brilliant, really.
Well played.
But wait.
We live in a fallen world in which Evil flourishes. What if, God forbid, our families lack the understanding of the gift that the Father gave to us and they squander it and make a mockery of it, what if they allow cruelty and unkind words to cross its threshhold so that the Refuge becomes a Battle Field leaving it undiscernable and nowhere near the standard of what God intended it to be.
What then?
Look at the words of the poem.
If there is little Love bound up, then there is little measure of Stability and little sense of Loyalty, with that comes so many maladies that plague the human condition; Anger, Fear, Loss, Grief, Confusion, Hate...
We must be good to our families, whatever form they take, for there is so much at stake and we must not put the idea of Family in a box, for they come in many forms. Mine came in the traditional sense; loving mom, dad, siblings, until loving mom was taken away and cruel replacement entered center-stage, creating the Conflict which ensnared me and nearly swallowed me, until I heard the words of a good friend who simply told me that if I could not find Love at home, find it somewhere else.
I found Love in my friends, therefore, they became my Family and I was not left longing for stability and loyalty, those things followed me all through my formative years and well into the dark years of puberty.
It was enough.
It got me through and eventually I grew up, built a bridge and got over it.
I survived with the knowledge that someday I would do it right.
I would Love my family and teach my children about Love, Honor, Courage, Faith, Kindness and Eternity, I would fight for its Honor and Integrity, and its Vitality and perhaps I would inspire a few along the way to follow a similiar path???
And I wouldn't take credit for it either, for the Glory goes to the Father. After all, it was His idea.
The unspoken message hidden in the the words of the poem if I may extrapolate, is in its implied promise: if we heeds those divinely inspired words, then we become who we are meant to be.

Wow, it has been a while since I've visited this space, something I hope to alleviate....soon.
Looking back over this past year or so I can certainly say it had its challenges.
Personally, as well as spiritually, I had some major "wilderness wanderings", our family fell into crisis, and before I knew it I had turned down a dark path that led to so much hurt and heartache that it astounds me even still. I knew better and chose worse.
What I learned from all of it is this: truly, no one is insulated or protected from the very worst of what we can become if we are not ever vigilant in God's presence, and though I hovered on the brink of destruction, God was faithful to deliver me back to a path towards healing and righteousness. Praise be to God our Father who never leaves us nor forsakes us.
While our family remains intact, this last year has left me feeling shaky and uncertain about our future, which is equally shaky and uncertain, not because of the past but because of what is happening now. Con has been travelling with his company for the past 10 months and recently we found out that we will be relocating to Spokane, which will require us to move, though we don't know when, only that it will be this summer.
In the meantime, I have been working at Energy NW for the refuel outage which has entailed 72 hour work weeks, nights, for the past 2 months. Now, I am only working 60 hours a week, but one can see how that schedule alone reeks havoc on our homelife. Con and I decided to have me stay, if possible, to the end of it which is scheduled for July 26th, to help with building a nest egg for our future.
Needless to say, it has been a crazy time, but, amazingly, as usual, God showed up and blessed me in spite of me and I can honestly say that, while the schedule is very difficult and the atmosphere at work is....less than polite, and there is continual drama pervading the plant, I can honestly say that I am glad to have done it and more than anything, God provided some incredible moments of ministry to a people who dwell in a very dark place. I feel blessed and honored to have had the opportunity to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with my co-workers.
This is only a quick summary of my year, one that I will continue to look back over for a long time to try to understand why and where it all went wrong and also where it went right, after all, we can't change the things that we don't acknowledge, we can't change our future without understanding our past, and we can't say, " I didn't mean to run over the dog", because , in fact, the dog is dead.
Right?
Be back soon.

Nuff said....

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 4:6-7).