When mom died, there were unseen "ripples" that travelled away at a steady but devastating rate.
It was a long time before I "felt" those ripples tear away at my very soul until I thought that I might go mad.
My young body could not grapple what was happening in my heart and...I felt all alone.
How I wish someone...anyone....would've even dared to whisper the existence of the elephant in the room: your mother is dead. I'm very sorry.
Maybe things would've been different if that had happened.....who can know such things?
Even so, it didn't happen and that fact alone.....made me feel just that....alone....because I knew that my mother was dead and surely my dad knew that his wife was dead and certainly my brothers and sister knew that their mother was dead......but NO ONE and I mean NO ONE spoke any words of comfort past the initial days of grieving together as is the custom of civil people.
My friends came the closest to speaking the words but comfort fell short of its mark and the words made me feel lonely and sad.
It's almost like my brother and I, did I mention that I have a twin.....were treated as if we were not capapable of any emotion, as if our young age alone somehow shielded us from the loss of the most important person in our lives.
Maybe those around us were just caught up in their own grief and so blinded by it?
You couldn't prove it by me.
I never saw any emotion, which is to say that I don't remember any and by the time I was old enough to have consisitent memory of that time, everyone had moved on and the "elephant" quickly dissipated into oblivion...a far off pain that became dull before it became ever-so-distant.
All the while I thought that I alone felt ripped off, that I alone felt the pain of loss and that I alone felt the sting of bitterness that stabbed at my heart like a dagger trying to rid me of any love that I had in my heart.
I felt utterely alone in my feelings.
And I was altered.....but, I was not alone in my suffering.
My brother was altered as well, although, it's taken me 40 years to see it and Dan's had 40 years of practicing his deceit, which is exactly what it is.
How could 2 children who carry 50% of the same DNA of the other go through the same tragedy and seemingly have 2 uniquely different reactions to it?
The answer is that we probably felt it the same way but we reacted very differently to it.
Dan would accuse me of over-reacting when I tried to speak of the "elephant in my world", which is to say I had any reaction, he simply wanted it and any reminder of it to go away.
Dan saw what daddy did and brother did and what sister did and......and.....and he modeled that beautifully!
Good job Dan.
"Lori, you just need to get over it because you make everyone feel bad when you bring up the fact that mother died."
Poor Lori.
That's how it felt to be in my family.
How I wish that I would've had someone to share my pain with, someone... like my brother, Dan.
Guess what?
Pain, if not dealt with properly, has a way of sneaking up on you and biting you in your proverbial butt.
The "elephant in my world" cost me dearly.
I was a wounded soul walking through this world in search of meaning and love and justice and love......
Eventually,Love found me....I was healed.
The elephant was put in its place and it no longer drove me and it no longer defined me.
Thank you, merciful Jesus, however, there is still lingering ripples that continue to reek havoc on hearts and lives.
How do I know?
Because, my brother, Dan, still buys into that initial modeling that he learned so many years ago and although the main characters of this tragedy have moved on nicely, Dan is still stuck, which recently has lit up my world like a bomb.
He obviously feels no connection to me, I know this because he makes no effort to see me or my family, he doesn't even acknowledge our shared birthday, the relationship we share is based on my efforts, not his, and while none of these are revelations to me, what is a revelation is the fact that it all started when his mother died.
His mother died.
It always felt like my mother died, not his.
After over 40 years though I have come to realize that Dan's mother died and that must have hurt him alot. If only someone...anyone...would've even dared to whisper any word of comfort in his direction.....maybe things would've been different.
